afterwords: Sex and the Wheelchair

Dear Lovely Peeps,

A couple of weeks ago, the Sex and the Wheelchair post discussed some of the thoughts that have arisen from getting horny again after years of chronic illness.

I knew it was a post that would seriously embarrass my wife – seeing as she has more decorum than I do.

And I knew that sex is not a subject that everyone is comfortable discussing.

However, I went ahead and published the post because the matter has been in my thoughts; and I have been very surprised by the response that it has received.

The post was featured on Freshly Pressed at WordPress and a number of people left comments.

I had already planned to write a follow up post as the initial one crystallised some thoughts for me, but your response has spurred me on further.

This also seemed the easiest way to respond to the deluge of comments that you have left me.

So pull up a chair and laugh with me peeps.

P.S.: If you haven’t read the original post, I encourage you to do so. If only because it will help you better understand just what the hell is going on here.

*****

Firstly, “Thank you kindly” to all those who left me comments. My, but you guys have been keeping me busy.

#1:

Apparently the post’s opening line struck a chord (one way or another) with many of you.

I’d like to clarify that I chose the word ‘fuck’ because what I do with my body during sex is too primal to be covered by the phrase ‘making love’.
I used the term that I usually use with my wife because I was talking about our experience.

To me, the term doesn’t take anything away from the quality of my sexual interactions. Fucking can be gentle, loving, imaginative, a shared desire, and all the other aspects that people automatically attach to the alternative term. It’s just that ‘fuck’ suits me better.

#2:

I was surprised by how many of you recommended that tying me up could be useful for helping my wife and I manage the mechanics of sex.

Not only does this suggestion speak to the heart of one of my longest-held fantasies, but I have been highly amused at the idea of bondage being used for “medicinal purposes”.

#3:

The LOL Comment Award goes to Wendy, who writes:

“I don’t really have any advice, other than to keep your sense of humor. And remember: any woman that will clean up your piss in lieu of having sex, clearly loves you very much.”

Amen to that, Wendy. My wife is an incredibly astounding woman and I am fully aware of how blessed I am to have her in my life.

*****

One more thing:

From a majority of the comments received, I am aware that there is some confusion about my gender.

I am in fact female and hope clarifying this helps readers better understand who they are conversing with; and the perspective being raised.

So: I am female. My wife is female. We are *whisper it* lezzbeans.

I am aware that this detail may discomfort some readers. If so, please feel free to stop reading at this point. I will not be offended: and with the wonders of this new-fangled technology, I will never know. I am merely here to speak my truth.

Yours sincerely,
mightwar signature

*****

For the first time in three years, my symptoms have slowed down a little and so I am having portions in the day when I am “better” than I was.

Granted, I am a long way from being well, but there are now moments where my body and thoughts are not being overwhelmed with pain and dysfunction and so I am considering things that I can do for a change.

With the return of feeling horny, came thoughts of once again becoming a sexual being and finally being able to fuck my wife.

And yet this exciting new development has dragged up unforeseen anxieties.

*****

Call me ~~selfish~~ ~~unrealistic~~ whatever, but following the long abstinence, I was kinda hoping to jump back into the sexual pool with abandon and revel in returning to a familiar comfort.

- mightwar: Sex and the Wheelchair

A lot of you advised me not to rush things. And whilst I know and understand this, it’s hard to rein in my eagerness.

This is the first time in three years that my body has shown any kind of positive change.

Basically, I don’t fully trust it: to me, it seems like the calm before the next storm.

And now that I have had a taste of just how bad things can be, there’s a part of me that wants to enjoy all the things I have been without; before it’s all stripped away again.

And because the illness has meant avoiding close physical contact to reduce risk of injury and increased pain, our usual physical interactions have completely changed.

I miss the pleasure of being able to reach out and touch my wife – just because it was in me to do so.

Besides; the experience of lying spent in your lover’s embrace, when all that can be heard are your struggles to catch your breath, is rather unique.

That euphoria; that certain sense of satisfaction somehow can’t be replicated by any other activity.

And it’s funny, but nobody tells you that the point you start healing from a serious illness can be the most difficult.

I mean, I have begged/prayed for an improvement in my condition for three years. And now it’s here, I am even more frustrated at the deprivations and limitations that the illness has placed on my life than before.

Feeling even this little bit better makes me lament what could be and crave normality even more.

It’s one thing to know that you can’t do something; but it’s somehow even worse to be well enough to consider the possibility but still be unable to do something about it.

*****

You are delicious. And basically, I like putting you in my mouth.

- mightwar: Rapture

I am seriously physically attracted to my wife.

I broke my “Don’t Screw The Crew” rule for her.
You know; the one about not having sexual relations with the people you work with? Yeah.

Plus, I like what she does to my body.

So, to the many who suggested that I “give up” on sex, I say: Never! The sex may be missing, but it is not over yet. Whilst it is in me to have sex with my wife, I will explore all the alternative methods that we can try to enable us to continue enjoying this side of our relationship.

Besides, there’s another element: chronic illness has hindered my ability to play many of the vital roles in my life.

As I wrote in Spastic … and sh!t:

I fear being forgotten as a sister; as a daughter; as a friend and as a lover…

I fear that the current me, will cloud the me-that-was from the memories of loved ones: that I will just become the thing that needs to be cared for.

Living a life entirely focused on your serious illness/disability leaves a lot to be desired.

Just existing from day to day is wearing and it’s important to do things that bring you joy and allow you to feel that you are making the most of the extraordinary gift of being alive.

*****

I just want to return to that sexual being who enjoyed exploring my wife’s body and seeing what pleasures we could bring to each other.

Is that too much to ask?

- mightwar: Sex and the Wheelchair

My sister Zelda and I have spent the last twenty years working with people with severe disabilities and Special Needs.

So I spoke with her about how best to sum up our experience of people’s general attitude to people with disability having sex.

She came up with this:

“Of course disabled people don’t have sex! They don’t need to!!”

I think she captured it perfectly. I have faced this attitude from their parents, carers, residential home staff, service providers and family members.

OK. Let’s try something.

Think of you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/partner/husband/wife/fuck buddy.

Now think about the ways you physically interact when the two of you are together – say like watching TV or walking down the aisles of the local supermarket.

You probably came up with things like linking arms and holding hands; stroking various body parts; brushing their hair; bum pinching or patting; leaning up against each other and what not.

These are physical exchanges that occur often enough that you can do and receive them without thought: and have just become “something we do”, right?

Now some would argue that this is not about sex.

I would say otherwise.

The physical interactions that we have with people who embody the role of ‘lover’ for us, all have physio-emotional impact. And the way that our body reacts in response, relates to physiological arousal – and to our sexual self by extension.

The point I’m trying to make is this:

Humans may be the only animals capable of having sex for both procreation and pleasure. That is a truly wondrous thing. And I don’t see why I or any other person should be precluded from partaking in such a gift due to our disability.

Where a person with disability is willing, interested or able to enjoy sexual interplay, I believe we should encourage and support them (when and if support is necessary) to pursue and enjoy their sexual self as part of their normative living experience.

*****

But this is the reality of my illness. We can’t do things with the same fluidity that we used to.

In order to regain the lost elements of our lives, we’ll have to rethink the situation and come up with alternatives.

- mightwar: Sex and the Wheelchair

Since being discharged from hospital at the end of March, I have noticed that the wife and I are kissing more.
This is primarily because we have found medications that work and so the severity of my shakes and spasms has been reduced.

We’re still tentative about it though. So there is the first kiss – after which we separate and wait to see how my body will respond before we try for a cheeky second. (Trust me, the injuries incurred over the years have taught us well.)

That’s just how we’re gonna have to do things: a little at a time and often. (I’m planning on counting it as part of my daily physio routine. ;-) )

A shout-out goes out to SuzySomething who used her experience of spinal injury to provide a 10-step process of how the wife and I could manage the mechanics of sex. (Thank you, thank you, thank you)

And “Thank you” again to all those who left practical advice and tips on how Wifey and I can go about rebuilding our sexual lives.

We will also be talking through some of the suggestions put forward to see if any of them will be helpful to our situation.

Being able to speak with my wife about all aspects of my life is one of the greatest joys of being with her.

She is incredible and doesn’t mind even when I (over)share.

*****

That’s it for today, Ladies and Gentlemen.

So much to think about, but at least the wife and I now have some alternatives. We’ll give it a go and see what we can do about regaining this side of our relationship.

I’m definitely up for trying the bondage suggestions that you guys have been kind enough to suggest.

I can just see it now: the wife will be in the middle of watching Match of the Day and I’ll be like, “Sweetie, I just got the horn. Quick, jump me!”

Then there will be the mad scramble to line the wheelchair up against the wall: whilst the wife straddles me and reaches for the rope.

And in the background, the commentator intones:
“Auburn now with the ball . . . what does she do? . . . Auburn, MightWar, Auburn . . . still Auburn . . . MightWar closing iiiiiiiinnn! . . . a chance for MightWar! . . . A chance for MightWar!! . . . Oh, ladies and gentlemen, a goal for Functional Movement Disorder!!”

I’ll just have to make sure that my horniness doesn’t occur during a Newcastle game: I think that that would be a little too much to ask of the wife, don’t you?

SO TELL ME: What are your thoughts on the issue of maintaining sexual relationships in times of disability and/or chronic illness?

And out of interest: Did discovering that I am female change your response to the ‘Sex and the Wheelchair’ post and its content?

New to MightWar and not sure of what to read next? The Best of MightWar gives an opportunity to revisit posts I’m particularly proud of.

You can see how other bloggers responded to the challenge, on Great Expectations.

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